WHY did you do that?

Our first of three newsletters on how to inspire self-motivation in others.

Hey 👋

In this newsletter, I will share with you two simple and less judgmental ways to inquire WHY something happened!

Enjoy!

Maik

WHY did you do this ⁉️

Imagine you are in a 1-1 with your team member.

You are bringing up a mistake that the team member made last week that was highly visible. Your team member starts to get defensive.

Here are questions by a Leader that likely make it even worse:

"Why did you do this?" (attacking tone)

"Why could you not prepare better?" (make them feel stupid)

"Why is this such a big problem?" (not taking them seriously)

"Why did you get this wrong AGAIN?" (condescending)

In all these questions, the sub-tone is one of superiority, condescension and blaming. There is a lack of partnering tone altogether.

The result? Depending on situation and team member character, you get either fight, flight or freeze.

We can do better than this!

Here are two ways how we can move towards finding out why something happened while sounding less blaming and more partnering.

1️⃣ Replace 'Why' with 'What'

Using 'Why' almost always carries judgment with it, even if you don't intend it.

When you ask your team member: 'Why did you send out the email to him in such a direct tone?' they will likely hear 'You should not have sent it this way!', even though you were really just interested in the actual reasons.

Instead, asking with 'What' can defuse some of this automatic judgment: 'I am curious, what lead you to send out the email in such a way? I noticed a difference in tone and directness!'

It's important that the degree of trust, posture and tone also have a big influence on how our questions are received. But at least we remove the automatic judgment that comes with 'Why'. It's a surprisingly easy win.

2️⃣ Explore SEQUENCE OF EVENTS instead of Causal Relationships

This one is more subtle and very powerful.

Instead of asking

''Why did you send out the email to him in such a direct tone?"

We could ask instead:

"What happened right before you sent the email out in such a direct way?"

An inquiry for a sequence of events is automatically less blaming. It is a credible search for facts, for helpful details. It supports the intention of seeking understanding.

Pro Tip: This works especially well as an initial, defusing question when you approach two people who are arguing, especially if you start with 'what'. "What happened before this became so heated?" is a very different question compared to "Who started this?"

✔️SUMMARY

It is a normal and justified every-day scenario when we have to ask others for reasons WHY things happened. Yet, this inquiry often ends up being perceived as an attack. In this short article, I shared that simply replacing WHY with WHAT and asking for the SEQUENCE of events, instead of causes can often get to the same result, without the emotional overhead.

Give it a try..I am sure there are many chances!

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A final note before we go 🚶🏽

"Try things at least twice!"

Gary Halbert, master marketer and copywriter, said this to this son Bond and he added: “Just a little more effort will propel you ahead of 95% of people.”

Food for thought:

What do you know you SHOULD do next week AND not give up too easily?

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