What do people ACTUALLY want from you? + LIVE event on 21 July!

"The truth is [people] don’t care if you’re a coach, a consultant or if you can sprinkle fairy dust on them. If you can help them get what they really, really, really, really want, then they will find a way to work with you." Rich Litvin

, this quote above made quite an impact on me a few years ago. It touches on the central point on focusing coaching on what REALLY matters. And it is not only relevant for Executive Coaches, but to any People Leader who wants to motivate their team members and build a lasting connection.

There is a related thing I learned very early during my own coach training some years ago:

Unless people come to you with a purely fact-based question, don't automatically accept the problem or topic they WANT to talk about as the real topic they NEED to talk about. It is extremely likely that they are looking for something else or at least more nuanced, and they might not even be fully aware of it. I usually take the initial 'sharing' that someone does about a problem/topic as an 'invitation' to simply dig a little deeper!

Those 'innocent' questions

Have you also had these times, when someone asks you question after question for seemingly 'innocent' information and you get the gut feel that they have a specific motive and underlying reason for asking?

Do you still right way jump into giving an answer or advice? Well, it does feel good and productive on the surface to respond that way, but very often the person comes back to you again, asking for something else, and else. Or they take your advice and don't act on it. Or they are strangely unhappy despite your factually correct answer.

What's going on here?

Let's put aside the possibility that your advice is just bad or not suitable. And take my word, it IS a real possibility...I wonder how I know.

Even if your advice is good and answers the actual question asked, it may not be helpful.

Sounds like a contradiction?

Not really, once we understand that most people have a Question behind the Question... something they really want to know, but don't outright want to ask for or even know how to articulate yet.

Here are 3 very simple examples to illustrate this:

A team member comes to you asking for an early look at the work roster in 2 months. Yet, what they really want to know is if they can make it to their first family gathering in almost 1.5 years since COVID started.

Your peer approaches you to find out where the presentation slides are for next week. Yet, what they really want is to find out whether the powerpoint deck is free this time from embarrassing mistakes that made everyone look like a fool during the group presentation.

You work late at night. Your partner comes into your home office and asks you whether you are hungry. You say no and continue working. Yet your partner is unhappy with the factual response. Do I need to explain more?

The key is: People WILL keep asking and digging until their actual, underlying question is answered or at least addressed. They WILL respond to the degree of there underlying question being answered.

A few simple ways

So what can we do in this case, when someone comes to you with a question or two that trigger your 'spider senses' that there might be more to this?

We can use the skills that we know as coaches and activate our coaching mindset for a moment. Take a breath, switch off external and internal distractions.

Lean in to the other person, switch on your curiosity and ask with genuine interest a different kind of question, for example:

What makes you ask?

What lead you to this question?

What makes this important for you to be addressed right now?

What's the benefit to you if you addressed that?

And then listen, reflect on what you hear and find out what the person is really after. Don't be fooled if people start with "oh, it's just that...", "ah, no big deal, I was only curious about...". That's just deflecting. Dig in and inquire a bit further. And don't judge the response.

'These are weird Questions'

If these questions sound a bit 'weird' to you, it's likely because they are not yet in your standard 'curiosity question repertoire'. These questions, when asked in the right tone, dig 'just' a little bit deeper to help you discover or confirm what is really meaningful to the other person.

It's also clear that these questions are not meant to be asked every single time that someone approaches you. It's your good judgment to use them wisely. Once people figure out that you will ask back like this every time when they approach you, it becomes mechanical and reduces trust. Furthermore, if you choose to ask like that, when someone needs to put out a fire urgently, they will hate you for it. There ARE times, when a coach approach is not useful. Yet, there are times when it shines...and we have a lot more of those than we often see.

Shall we practice this together??

It makes a world of difference to people when someone takes a moment to actually show interest in their reasoning for asking. Your first benefit as the person asking is that you will likely save time, given that you address (with laser-sharp precision) the actual challenge that the person has. Secondly, you also employ a powerful trust-building tool, when you do that.

Are you curious to practice this technique live to test it out and feel its impact?

There's actual a chance for that, as I am running my first ever LinkedIn LIVE event on 21st July. And it's filling fast!!

Note: The normal cover charge for this event is 99 USD, but if you are quick and leave a comment at this post below about a communication skill that you want to grow further in (we should ALL have!), I will be happy to personally send you a full 99 USD voucher!

POST YOUR COMMENT HERE TO GET A 99 USD VOUCHER FOR THE EVENT:

https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6818335921193271296/

All the best and keep your inquiring mindset going!

Cheers, Maik

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Inspiration of the Week

"Learn how to learn from those you disagree with, or even offend you. See if you can find the truth in what they believe." - Keven Kelly

Have a great week ahead!