People start listening to you once you do this well

One of the most important things a coach does is make a genuine effort to understand and reflect back what the person in front of them actually wants. This helps build trust and connection with people, as they want to feel understood.

Take note: this does NOT mean you automatically agree with the other person. This is purely about ensuring accurate understanding.

In my coaching skill courses, we learn and practice this in a specific way. When someone comes to us and shares a challenge or problem, the first thing we do after they finish talking is confirm that we understand their ‘want’. You can say things like:

• “I hear you want 2 things…”

• “Can I confirm…so you want…”

• “I’m confused. What DO you want?”

• “Okay, got it. So you DON’T want X. What do you want instead?”

What is the impact of this approach?

✅ It sharpens your listening skills and helps you focus on the other person’s ultimate goal. This is the foundation of influence.

✅ It prevents you from moving on too fast. People really listen to you openly once they feel understood and taken seriously first.

✅ It prevents you from moving on based on assumptions.

✅ It establishes a shared understanding of where you are in the conversation.

✅ It builds trust immediately by showing that you were actively listening and not preoccupied with your own ideas.

💡 Here’s an example:

💬 Team Member: “I have trouble getting my peer to contribute in our idea sessions. And when he does contribute, it’s mostly negative and critical. This creates tension within the team. The thing is, I’ve told him at least 3 times in the past, but it still happened yesterday. (sighs) I’m lost. What do you think I should do?”

🗨️ Leader: “Okay, can I clarify to make sure I understand you correctly?”

💬 Team Member: “Yes, sure.”

🗨️ Leader: “First, you want him to contribute in a positive way. Second, you want to address why your feedback doesn’t seem to have an effect. Did I get that right?”

💬 Team Member: “Yeah… I guess for the second one, I simply want him to take my feedback seriously. I don’t think that’s happening right now.”

🗨️ Leader: “Got it, so it’s not about the effect of the feedback, but that you want him to take it seriously. Between these two things - contributing positively and taking your feedback seriously - which one should we focus on first right now, in your opinion?”

💬 Team Member: “Well, we could cover the first in just 5 minutes and then spend more time on the second? Would that be ok?”

🗨️ Leader: “Absolutely. We have 15 minutes. Let’s brainstorm together.”

By engaging in this short exercise of active listening, the Leader took steps to clarify what the Team Member really wants to address. This is a powerful display of respect!

Hope this helps! Have a great week ahead!

I hope you found this useful!