Why oh why did you...?

In this newsletter, we look at ways how judgment sneaks into your language and to avoid it!

Hey 👋

Let's do a small experiment.

I would like you to try something, please.

I am going to share a question with you and I would like you to say it out loud (or at least whisper it, in case you are in public).

Here's your task:

Ask the question in the most neutral tone possible. Remove ALL judgment from it, so that there’s almost zero chance for a backlash.

Are you ready?

Here it comes:

.

“Why did you do that?”

Try again.

Try it once more.

Feel the sound of it.

Did you have a hard time keeping it neutral? I certainly did. There is almost no way to emphasise this question without sounding judgmental in some way.

Try these with 5 different ways to emphasise and see how judgmental you sound to yourself:

“WHY did you do that?”“Why DID you do that?”“Why did YOU do that?”“Why did you DO that?”“Why did you do THAT?”

Which one of those 5 did you automatically use in your very first try above?

Can you spot the potentially perceived judgments that the receiver hears?

Here's my take:

“WHY did you do that?” (You should not have done that!)

“Why DID you do that?” (What were you thinking?!)

“Why did YOU do that?” (I am so disappointed in you!)

“Why did you DO that?” (What an inexcusable action!)

“Why did you do THAT?” (I am in disbelief about your action. Gosh!)

How can I avoid unnecessary and unintended judgment?

There are certain ways of asking that have judgment ‘built-in’. Don’t be surprised if the person jumps on you then. Unless you intended to judge, it’s a typical case of good intent bad impact.

There are many ways to avoid it and I am sharing just one here:

Replace WHY with WHAT.

This already goes a long way. ‘What’ questions automatically sound more focused on facts, while 'Why' automatically sounds more judgmental.

Here are few examples that may sound less attacking:

“What thinking lead to this outcome?”“What happened before?”“What factors lead to this decision?”“What steps did you take to get to this point?”

Lastly, the tone makes the music!

It's very easy to add a judgmental tone to the most neutrally phrased question.

So we all need to watch out in terms of posture, tone and attitude.

What I shared in this newsletter is not a cure-all, but a small bandaid. I hope it helps in your daily effort to come across the way you want!

Good luck!

Maik

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