The Listening Mistake We All Make

For me, there's a time before 2013 and a time after.

Before 2013, I didn't know what coaching was and what it really means to listen. I cringe a lot when I think about the simplest kinds of mistakes I made.

One specific conversation comes to mind with a colleague when I was still working in 'corporate' then.

My colleague was explaining a complex problem with a project we were both on, and I was nodding along, looking engaged, making all the right "mmhmm" sounds. But if I’m being honest, I wasn't really listening. My mind was racing, formulating a smart reply, crafting the perfect counter-argument to prove a point I REALLY wanted to make. When he finally finished, I jumped in with my suggestion. I still remember how he had just stared at me for a moment and said, "That has nothing to do with what I just said."

Oops. And he was right. I had heard every word he said, but I hadn't LISTENED to any of it.

That was an embarrassing lightbulb moment for me. I realized later that most of us, myself included, are not very good listeners. We ‘hear’, yes, but are we actually processing?

And it’s not entirely our fault. We operate under a few powerful illusions that get in our way.

First, we confuse hearing with listening. Hearing is passive; it's the biological process of sound waves hitting our eardrums. Listening is an active, focused, and disciplined skill. It's the cognitive work of setting aside our own inner monologue to truly understand another person's world, their meaning, and their perspective. It requires real effort and is tiring!

Second, our culture glorifies speaking. We're taught from a young age to be articulate, persuasive, and confident speakers. We have public speaking classes, debate clubs, and workshops on how to deliver a killer presentation. But when was the last time you saw a workshop on "deep, strategic listening"? It's the less glamorous, often overlooked sibling of communication, yet it's where all the real connection happens.

Finally, because of all this, most of us have simply never been trained in listening. We assume listening is something everyone just knows how to do, like breathing. But it's a skill that needs to be learned, practiced, and honed. Without that intentional practice, we default to hearing, waiting, and reacting, not truly listening.

That conversation with my colleague was a gift. It taught me that listening is about giving someone else the space to be fully heard. It's the most powerful and respectful form of communication there is to connect!

And IF you want to learn world-class listening, there is a way: join a professional-level coaching course! It happens to be one of the best ways to become a better listener across the board (work and beyond). It's a truly transferable power skill!

So, I'll leave you with a question to ponder this week: In your last important conversation, were you truly listening, or were you just hearing and ‘reloading’?