How to coach someone who does not know what they want!

A surprisingly simple technique + recording of my coaching conversation with Zafeer Rais

Hey 👋

I hope you had a great week.

In this newsletter:

A simple idea how to help someone who is fuzzy about what they want

Watch this week's LIVE Coaching with Zafeer Rais, a courageous first-time coachee!

Enjoy!

Maik

About coaching someone who does not know what they want! 🎯

Here's an interesting challenge: How do you work with someone in a coaching manner who just can't come up with a clear statement of what they actually want?

This is interesting, because as coaches, our purpose is to help people get from their current A to a future B. If the client/coachee can't describe what B is, what can we do?

I am sharing in this newsletter one small technique that is fun for both partners to use. Many people tell me it feels a bit like a 'coaching ninja trick':)

Here's how it works:

1️⃣ Try to find out what your client wants

Yes, we give this a good try first.

Good coaches are extremely sharp in listening for what their coachee's desires are, what they want, what's important for them. There's a truth here: Most people on this planet have not experienced what it's like working with someone who truly understands that they really, really, really, really want. It is a unique gift.

We listen for signals in their story that indicate desires, wishes, goals and reflect that back. It is a natural thing to do as part of the coaching process early in a conversation.

However, let's assume here that our coachee is 'stuck' in describing their current state, problems, etc. Even the direct question 'But what do you actually want?' lead to a blank stare.

Then let's try something different.

2️⃣ Ask what SPECIFICALLY they do NOT want

It's a surprising reality: Even if it is hard for people to share what they want, I can very much assure you that they are very knowledgable and clear about what they do NOT want.

The key to do this step? Use your coaching skills to turn a possibly long statement (it could be a rant) into a precise, sharp headline.

Here are a few ways how this could sound:

"What exactly do you not want to happen here?"

"What are 3 concrete things that you don't want in relation to this?"

"And what else do you not want?"

Help the coachee summarise and clarify and turn their 'not-wants' into something crisp, for example:

"I don't want this conflict to continue."

"I don't want to lose my sleep over this anymore."

"I don't want to make these delegation mistakes anymore."

Once you have these statements, we are ready for our final verbal 'judo' move.

3️⃣ Ask for what they want INSTEAD

Once we have partnered to document what they do not want, we can trigger a surprise mental flip and help them turn things around.

"What do you want instead of this conflict?"

"What do you want instead of losing your sleep?"

"What do you want instead of making these delegation mistakes?"

It is extremely likely that your coachee will be able to respond productively to these questions and come up with ideas.

Why does this work?

Our question is very sharp, customised, yet open (not closed).

We include a reference point that's undeniably true for the client (= what they confirmed they don't want)

Including the reference point makes it much easier to mentally 'compute' an answer. The reference point lessens cognitive load and potential overwhelm of a question that may be too wide open.

The best part? The negative statements above by our clients already include what they want, without them realising. Even if our client is stuck answering here, we can help them reflect as a bandaid:

"What I hear is that you want this conflict to stop?"

"What I hear you want is to get away from losing your sleep over this, am I right?"

"What i hear is that you want to get delegation right, is that true?"

It is important that we arrive at a positive definition of a goal with our client. It is an essential part of the coaching process to have that reference point.

And this is a moment of truth. These desires and goals are undeniably true for the client. If they do not accept that, I might be an indicator of something else that is going on..keeping them stuck.

4️⃣ Coach towards the goal

What happens next? Well, you just helped your client define what they want want. Time to go back to your regular coaching tool belt to help them move from A to B, using their own ideas and insights!

Coach for insight, ask powerful questions, let the client own their path. Here are a few starting points, for example:

"What's in your control to help make this conflict stop?"

"What in you helps you normally to maintain a healthy calm, so you don't lose sleep over things?"

"How would you notice in someone else that they delegated right?"

In the end, the learning here is simple:

It does not take much to help our coachees phrase out productively, what they actually want. All it takes is a bit of curiosity and practiced coaching skils!

Good luck:)

Watch the Live Coaching between Maik and Zafeer 🎉

"Actually, I have never been coached before". This is what my client Zafeer shared with me at the beginning of our public/live session yesterday 24 Sep.

Watch the live recording to see how I

(1) explained coaching briefly,

(2) made it safe for him to participate,

(3) used the method of inquiry throughout without getting into advising and

(4) helped him arrive at a powerful and surprising learning moment about himself.

I regard it as one of my greatest privileges to open the world of coaching to new people and here was a chance to do that...with the added twist of it being a public and live-streamed session!

Thank you Zafeer for your trust, courage and openness to jump into the deep water with me and giving coaching a try!! It was rewarding for both of us!

Watch the Replay

A final note before we go 🚶🏽

You just gotta keep going and fighting for everything, and one day you'll get to where you want.

- Naomi Osaka

Food for thought:

What do YOU want for yourself?

What is WORTH FIGHTING FOR to overcome your obstacles?

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